“Routine is a buffer against depression.”
That’s what my therapist told me (again) last week.
I’d been explaining (again) how I still feel stressed. How I had these grand ideas of all of the things I would want to do once I had more time. How, now that I do have time, I don’t seem to want to do anything. How not doing anything also makes me feel like shit.
Turns out, we as human being actually like structure. A complete lack of it is just as bad as too much of it.
The problem is, I don’t know how to find balance.
My hope was that I would fill my days with the things I want to do. That I could see a stretch of time and let my whims fill it.
But, I spent so long laser-focused on “work” (including housework because that is “productive”) that I don’t know how to focus on something else. When I find myself with a free minute, I default to work. Those neuropathways are dug deep.
“It’s like hunger,” a friend told me. “You have to relearn how to listen to it.”
That’s where the structure comes in. If I can build a routine, I won’t just be bobbing around in the sea possibilities with nothing to grab onto and I won’t just grab onto the old default.
Of course, that’s easier said than done.
It’s quite a cycle.
I crave a routine, I make a routine, I rebel against my own self-imposed routine.
I tell myself I will wake up at a certain time, I’ll work at certain times, I’ll exercise, I’ll use this window for creative work, etc. etc.
But…
I don’t want to have to wake up at the same time every day.
I don’t want to have to sit down to write or work at the same time every day.
I don’t want to have to go to the gym at the same time every day.
I don’t want to do the same thing every day.
I want to want to do something. I want to feel that hunger, listen to it, and act on it.
Does anyone actually do this?
I haven’t given up yet. Instead, I’ve made a lot of lists.
A small to-do list of things for the day–things that have to get done (because life) and a few things that will make me feel good.
A list of creative ideas that I keep on a ring of colorful notecards.
A list of things I want to read, things I want to write, things I want to do.
I even made a routine plan for my days based on which days I want to do more work and which days I want to do more other stuff. I haven’t stuck to it yet.
But it’s all helping. The daily to-do list is my favorite. If you ever feel untethered, give it a try.
I can feel my hunger coming back little by little.