I don’t want another full time job.
(I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.)
I’ve talked to so many friends, loved ones, and acquaintances over the last couple of months about work and the fact that I’m not doing it full time right now.
The thing I keep repeating about my last jobs is, “I never want to do that again.”
What do I mean by “that”?
Feeling tied to my desk.
The anxiety of constantly checking my email or Slack.
Someone dismissing and rewriting my work.
Doing a good job on unimportant things to be “productive”.
Studying psychological manipulation to help sell things.
Waking up in the middle of night panicking about my to-do list.
Keeping a running list of my accomplishments so that I can justify my employment every six months to the same people who watched me accomplish those things every day.
I also want to feel connection. I’ve been working in B2B marketing for so long. The goal of my previous jobs can be boiled down to one thing: show them how we make them more money.
I want to work with people who are trying to accomplish more human things. I want to help someone feel happier or understand themselves and the world a little better.
But, I keep having this one nagging doubt…
It’s going to be hard.
That’s what we’re always told about creative work, isn’t it? Entrepreneurship, artistry…pretty much anything that isn’t going to work in an office for someone else’s established company. It’s hard.
You know what else is hard? “Traditional” jobs.
Waking up every day to do the same thing over and over because other people required me to was hard.
Keeping my mouth shut when I knew that thing I was being told to do wasn’t going to work was hard.
Advocating for myself when I couldn’t keep my mouth shut was hard.
Fitting the rest of my into two days and a few nights because work was top priority during the week was hard.
Getting a job is hard.
Keeping a job is hard.
Working in marketing feels like the easier path because I have done it for 10 years. And, to be fair, people have collectively decided it’s worth paying a lot of money for and it’s expected that you’ll start off not knowing much then work for someone who knows more and you’ll grow.
Building something from nothing is harder. But, in 10 years, after I’ve spent time talking to and working with people who know more than I do, will it feel easier?
(It will probably still feel harder because we live in a society where the things we need are not always the things we put a high value on. The world doesn’t need more sales and marketing drones, it needs more art and curiosity and connection. But that’s another rant.)
We can choose what kind of hard we want to tackle.
For now, I have my basic life necessities met. I can take on some extra difficulty. I choose a happier, harder path.